within me

 

 

Everything you seek is within me,

casual could turn into the usual.

 

Between us, the connection had to do with where

we were and what we needed from each other.

 

But, all the words spoken over hearts broken

and the insecurities of your ways are waving shiny red flags at me.

 

My eyes are accustomed to viewing the color as hazardous

so I find myself knowing that I should be putting distance between us

yet pacing,

closer toward you,

closer toward you.

You don’t seem to get it, you don’t.

Instead you complain about feeling hopeless and worthless,

as you take my hope and my worth and tuck it deeper inside of your back pocket.

 

You wash your clothes in my tears and hang them out to dry by the neighbor’s house.

 

You knot together loose white socks, one by one, making a noose for me to hang myself.

 

You want the illusion of woman.

You want the things that come in dreams,

you want everything it seems but me

 

and I only have myself to give.

when words won’t heal, what will?

nerves struck so deeply

i numb with alcohol to keep me

i am losing the few strands of sanity

and as more blood floods into the streets

I lose all of my humanity

 
 

you see words to me is easy

elementary

words to me blend and become

apart of me, of which I cannot live without

 

but when all the words fail

when words do not bring justice

when words are never tangible

 

I have to give them something to feel

something that flows through them, an energy

that shall consume them as it has me

 

my people have built this land

and somehow we still cant consider it home

my people have created this culture you crave

and somehow your greedy palms raid and rape

continously

 

how many names

how many names

how many names

do we have to speak

before you understand and seek

before it becomes evident

that you will never kill us dead

 

it is in our nature

 

in our melonin

 

in our very existance on every continent

 

that we will be known and yet forgotten

that we will be loved, and therefore hated

adored and therefore degraded

 

that we will be all of these things

all of these things

 

i hold on to the hope,

savoring the bitter taste,

because only hope comes bottle form

these days

when it gets harder to write and the words

seem to get lost

 

without words, i am immobile and hurting,

soothing the pain with whatever form it can maintain

because i can find no place for these words, in the dying streets,

where it seems that we are plucked off, viciously, no more important than

petals from a shrivel flower of childrens playtime games

 

i never thought I’d see the day when words weren’t healing to my soul

electric body

you make my body feel electric
the energy raving through me is palpable
and candid.

I am in an exhausted state of Bliss,
leaning heavily on your body against mine

we are unfinished and consumed
we need each other as much as
the world needs noon,
the hour of breaks of sanity of those
uniformed and controlled by unconcerned
living wage

we are unfinished and consumed
we need each other as much as
the world needs the moon,
glistening, aloof and with the proverbial need for phases
to lean toward the understanding of the unknown

we are necessary together or apart

you were howling last night (to the moon, I suppose)

you weren’t yourself last night (its soon to know, I suppose)

I was latent and disturbed last night

we both need rehabilitation
we were both intoxicated and fornicating
we need a short-stay in the facility, made more expensive
than necessary. if we come right out, knowing that one day,
we will be back some other route

yet, none of this ever seems to matter because
you make my body feel electric
and all the energy raving through me is
palpable
and candid

a dangerous thing you’ve done

hope is a dangerous thing

it was in hoping of love

that you arrived

and i didn’t know

if you knew what you had done

i didnt really see life for it grandness

but for the pain and the desitution

its easy to be blinded by the gory nights

of self and society-inflicted wounds on minds and bodies,

on spirits

meloncholy chokes the throat with seething wrists

damning attempts to breathe and be

gasping at dreams and nightmares that replay

whenever the wind blows deep east

and i wonder if you knew what you had done

you came fast and hurried with expectation high

you came and completely undone what the whole world

had fought to remind me– that i am worthless,

without reason for the breathing in my lungs

you made me feel as though i belong

somewhere

even if it was only in your bed, in your head,

giving and gettting and you made me feel

you made me feel hope

im unsure if you knew just what you had done

in the realm of understanding

i began to see myself

in lighting that beget beauty

and

i heard in your voice an esteem that

I never dreamed could be meant for me

you asked me to use your eyes to see me

and I saw something unfathomable

I never knew things of this sort existed

nor that I would ever be able to wet my palate

with the taste of my very own sweetness,

with the succulence of  my own worthiness

with the richness of my purpose

though you seem to be privy of the knowledge

from the very moment

we encountered

hope is a dangerous thing,

and I just dont know, if you knew

but look at what you’ve done.

twentyfive years

and I was wondering how long it was gonna take

to unlearn the damages done

cause it seems like

everything they told me was fallacy

 

i was young and numb, bleeding internally

 

dying slowly trying to become the best thing

 

you know “real skinny,

lightskin with pretty hair”

 

it seemed that was the epitome of american beauty

 

it was no wonder what made me hate myself

 

cause i was anything like the above

 

you know the type

 

real thick

hair like wool

and brown skin

 

and I was wondering what i did to deserve this plight

 

I was walking around a slave to an idealogy

unable to find beauty anywhere i was

 

i was lost in jungle, never attempting to be

anything or more or better

 

you know,

 

what was the point in that?

And they was all too sorry to see

that my mind could transcend theirs

without attempting

and better yet

 

they were in awe to see me

with better scores than

those up nightly studying

while i was off with mary jane

and her cousins, E & J

 

trying get some escape

 

cause wasn’t no shakespeare nor x, y coordinate

bringing momma back home to me

 

wasn’t gonna make my daddy really see me

 

nah, it was just me, mj and hennessey

 

i use to escape

 

so far gone

 

on that trip

 

they all love me cause

 

i was fiveten, lightskin with a booty

 

on that trip

 

i could be whatever i wanted

 

i could be whoever I chose

 

anybody, anybody

 

but me

 

and

 

when

 

I

came

down

 

it wasnt a fantasy anymore

so i  plugged my headphones in

threw my hoodie on

 

and pretended everything was great

 

as the hate seeped to the core

 

everything seem was hell,

hot and unruly

choking and deserving

as duly noted

 

i wasn’t sure how long it would take

until i found out how to love me

Annus Versus

last year, this time the sun was beaming and scorching

and making love to my skin, deepening my melanin

last year this time, i set out to be free from fear, from self-inflicted

captivity of words and ideas

 

last year this time, I softly stroked  the nearly hatched eggs that weighed on my heart and my spirit, collectively as apart of me that i couldnt see myself without

 

last year this time, i told the birds to be free and i wasn’t sure how they would leave me or where they might be.

 

last year this time, i was awaiting summer so desperately and it become known to me that in order to maintain sanity i must release them all.

even though i still keep them, some of them, at least, hidden down in the cavities of my eyes and ears because parting ways has never been an easy task of mine.


Happy Anniversary, Free Them Birds!